Someone with a stronger will manipulates a person with low self-esteem.
It wasn't until later in my career that I figured out co-dependency. Co-dependency seemed to answer a lot of questions for me. The way out of codependency is still a difficult path.
The first story where I understood co-dependency was in the book Scars And Stilettos: The Transformation of an Exotic Dancer by Harmony Dust. In that book, a young woman from a broken home finds herself seeking the approval of a young man who is just a little older than her. Their relationship lasted years, and he was the male figurehead of her life, both a father figure and a husband figure. He was very hard on her, extorting money and anything he wanted from her. But her fear of losing him was so great that she would pay any cost to keep the connection. (read the book for yourself; her story ends well).
I have seen this play out repeatedly. Often it is a similar dynamic between a man and a woman. However, sometimes it is a son and a mother. Sometimes it is a daughter and a mother. Sometimes the person with low self-esteem is the man.
Let's break this down into smaller pieces. A relationship has two people, two individuals. They need to be complete on their own. The line from Jerry McGuire, "You complete me," is a setup for failure. The idea that someone "completes" the other person indicates an imbalance of power. Codependency said another way is an "imbalance of power."
How can we identify if there is an imbalance of power? Consider the word "No." Do both people in the relationship have the ability to say stop, to say "No," to demand a pause or the beginning of a discussion? Consider the word "Yes" do both people in the relationship have the ability to say "Yes (for at least some small things)" without checking in with the other person? Consider friends. Does she have her friends? Does he have his friends? Or are their only shared friends, primarily his/her friends? Do you have dreams? Do they have goals? Are both dreams and visions for the future valid and vital?
Co-dependency is one of those things that once you begin to see it, you start to see it everywhere. Don't let it overwhelm you. Know there is hope. Explore what finding balance would look like. Find out what fears lay behind the behaviors that re-enforce the imbalance. I have had a few people provide positive feedback from the CoDa, which is codependency anonymous and will often have local support groups.
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